Not So Maudlin

I’m feeling a little introverted these days. It’s not a depressing kind of introversion, just a still type. I don’t know if it’s the heat or what, but I feel I need to sit quietly and reflect on a few things. Nothing serious, just reflection. It feels good to be quiet. Along with this, my mind has been calmer as well. Not completely calm. That would take a miracle.

There have been some rumblings around the house about possible remodels. Tripp and I talk about this stuff a lot - mainly because our house is officially a 2 bedroom, but we would love for it to have 3. I really like the current idea and I think he and I are on the same page. It would certainly make us enjoy our place more. I guess we’ll have to see.

I didn’t get much sleep last night. Stayed up until 2 am trying to do something on the computer and by the time I actually got to sleep, it was about 3 am. It might be an early night for me tonight. Possibly going to the hometown, tomorrow, to see the parents, grandparents, and maybe a friend. I need to get out of this house a bit. I get cabin fever way to easily to sit around in a house all day and the heat has been unbearable.

A friend and I went walking in Chattanooga’s Renaissance Park, this weekend. I snapped the picture below with my phone, but I thought it appropriate for how my mood has been, lately. Maybe there’s a calm before the storm - in the good sense. I can take that.

It has been HOT here in the Southeast. I dream of October. Hell, I’d take September, right now. It is supposed to rain, today, and cool off a bit in the next week, but this is pretty miserable. Last night, T and I went out with some friends for dinner and standing outside, afterward, was like standing under a 95 degree wet blanket. I cannot stand it.

Between the heat, sweat, and the wine, I had some crazy dreams last night. They were not happy ones, but mainly frustrating ones. At the end, my garden had been ravaged by animals and nothing was left. I had this horrible sinking feeling at the end of the dream and woke up with it. One can see where my brain is most of the time - thinking about if I need to pick the cuces and tomatoes and if the corn is going to withstand the storm that is about to come through. Yes. That is my world, right now, and I’m okay with it. Speaking of…

The garden has been doing pretty well, lately. I need to employ crop rotation next year to see if the plants will produce like they did the first year. I’ve just been lazy about it.

Today, I’m going to do some freezing, canning, cleaning, and reading. I need to accomplish some tasks around here if it hurts me. I’ve been so easily distracted, lately, and I finally need to focus and get something done. So, with that, I’m off to clear my head, eat breakfast, and be proactive.

It has been a long time. So much has happened in the last several months. I graduated last Sunday, for instance. Feels good. Just hasn’t sunk in, yet. The garden is coming along. Today, I picked most of the arugula before it bolted. I guess we are having a salad tonight.

There is more coming, but I have to bolt, myself. Have an appointment with a roofer.

I was thrown back in time, tonight. I sat in my Forensic Anthropology class, listening to late-teen/early twenty-somethings talk about what they actually want to use their anthropology degrees for. Did they want to go into forensic anthropology or stay with archaeology? What internships could they participate in next summer… stuff of that nature. At first I was pleasantly amused. It wasn’t an arrogant amusement like one would expect, but a very delightful one - listening to young adults (just a decade younger than me) spin around countless opportunities in their minds. Then I became, while still amused, a little envious. I’m in my early thirties - and very glad to be here - and have become happily more settled down (not in the traditional sense, though. Thank you, Jesus.). Anyway, I am majoring in anthropology and absolutely LOVE it. It is a passion. I love EVERYTHING about the discipline. Sadly, I probably will not pursue it in my graduate studies. Oh, I could. I could decide to take it all the way to the top and become a professor, but that is NOT me. I don’t find any part of that scenario appealing. I’m not knocking it, for those of out there with the inclination. I just don’t have the pull for that. I want to travel, but want to do it of my own accord - without having to work while doing it - so I’m not going to be a professional cultural anthropologist. I also don’t want to be away for long periods of time - another strike. Archaeology is fascinating, and appealing in the minimal sense, but something about it makes me not want to do it for a profession. Again, that is a definite calling. I love reading and studying it, but I don’t want to do it for the rest of my life. Forensic anthropology is also a very interesting field, but given the time, effort, and school involved to become certified - a definite “no.” I want to have a child at some point and don’t want to be fifty when I do it. I’ll probably end up going into Library and Information Science, which is also very exciting to me and very practical for my lifestyle…

So, anyway, here I was listening to these kids and going through the phases… amused… envious… and then grateful. I realize the opportunities and experiences that have passed through my life are priceless. The picture above is me when I was about 19 or 20 years old. I was living in Seattle - in a house and a relationship in turmoil. Still, I was writing, reading at poetry readings, living, laughing, and absorbing every crazy experience that came my way. Although in pain in some ways and in ecstasy in others - I was a strong, intelligent, and full-of-life young woman. I had very strong convictions and opinions. I fell in love very easily and fell out of it just as quickly. AND, I had not a clue of what was ahead of me. Although, I still don’t know what’s ahead of me, I am very aware of what is behind me - and I love it - if not being in love with it. I also love the hell out that girl in the picture because for every hidden insecurity I had then, there was a lesson to be learned and an opportunity to love myself a bit more. The title of this journal is Not so Maudlin because I don’t tend to get sappy about all that much, but tonight I fell in. I swelled with nostalgia for that girl in the picture and I have SO MUCH to be thankful to her for.

Pictures 764
Originally uploaded by themissiah

It has been so dreary around here for the past couple of days. A perfect atmosphere for making a pot of tea and enjoying the fireplace. I have some schoolwork to do, but I’ve been putting it off because I really am having a difficult time giving up a break. ONE MORE WEEK! I cannot wait to have a month free.

I’ve been lounging around, today, being useless. Pretty much watching random movies on television, drinking tea, planning gifts, cleaning, etc. With the exception of the cleaning and planning gifts, I haven’t really gotten anything finished - and the cleaning is really not finished. I still have laundry to tackle.

The cats have been particularly odd, today. Patsy has been uber creepy*, and Two-Tone has been sitting on a box beside Tripp’s desk, while Tripp plays games. I think it makes him feel important - Two-Tone, that is. It’s like his own little seat at Tripp’s desk. Right now he is just randomly meowing at Tripp, trying to get his attention.

I’m off to continue being useless. I need some motivation.

*Patsy does this very creepy thing where you’ll come around a corner, or won’t hear her, but she’ll be sitting there - VERY stoic - and just staring blankly at you like she is looking through your soul. It cracks me up because she does it a lot. I think it is just her look, but it scares the crap out of me when I come around a corner in the house and there she is. It reminds me of the two little girls in The Shining.

For years I’ve had problems with my sleep. I have always snored, and at times, stopped breathing in my sleep. My dad had sleep apnea, for which he had to have surgery to correct. I’ve been known to stop breathing, as well, so I probably should have that seen after. I also have an undiagnosed case of RLS, at least that’s what I think it is because for about 5 or 6 years, my legs give me grief when I sleep. They get twitchy and I can’t keep them still when I’m trying to go to sleep. It doesn’t bother me horribly in the winter, but when it’s warm, they are all over the place and it is very annoying. I also have surges of insomnia. I’ll go for months being able to relatively easily get to sleep (it still takes me from 30 min. to an hour - sometimes more), but then I go through a bout of insomnia, again this happens more often when it’s warm out.

I’ve been thinking about going in for sleep analysis. Maybe some exercises could help or something. Anyway, I don’t know why I shared all of this, except to say that sleep and I do not get along, and I wish we did. I love to sleep, when I can get there. It makes insomnia reeeally difficult for me.